Freedom is attainable through a relentless pursuit of God- 3/12/14

“April 8, 2013

Looking in the mirror,

I see my frail exterior.

 

Why is it so difficult to give up control?

I feel as if I’m stuck in a hole.

 

There’s nothing more I want than to be free,

Lord I want to be all you created me to be.

 

I feel like Paul, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

I keep going backwards, instead of going straight.

 

I’m crying in fear,

I need to know you are near.

 

Control is like a field daisy.

On the outside it looks pretty and paisley.

 

However, they invade fields and decrease plant populations and crop,

if they aren’t taken care of, they continue to grow and won’t stop.

 

The flower is deceptive.

What looks so beautiful on the outside is actually possessive.

 

Sin is the same,

it just has a different name.

 

I won’t influence the world if the way I’m living my life isn’t any different,

pretending I’m not living to influence man is just being ignorant.

 

Galatians 1:10  says to live for the approval of God.

This is me being real; I’m taking down the façade.

 

I will find your strength in my weakness,

I need you more than ever, My Savior, My Healer, My Redeemer; Jesus.”

 

Back to where I started.

 

What’s different from then to now you may ask?

Yes last time I took off my mask.

 

However, I only let myself see me

I was trying to set myself free.

 

Telling God, don’t worry I’ll do better, I’ll try harder

Thinking I was doing God a favor, but I let my shame take control which pushed him farther

 

I was trying to please God

Instead of crying in desperation admitting my weakness, I hardened my heart and wore a façade

 

My intentions were pure, but my plan was flawed

I was pursuing freedom, not God.

 

 

Control is merely a symptom of my fear of abandonment

Growing up believing I was an accident

 

Striving for perfection

In fear of rejection

 

Subconsciously wondering if I’ll ever be good enough?

Masking my insecurity with being tough

 

Hiding the pain of past afflictions

Lead to multiple addictions

 

Emotionally disconnected

Close relationships, I continuously rejected

 

Allowing fear to dictate everything I did

Scared to put my full trust in God, I hid.

 

 

Admitting these realizations is freeing in and of itself

& this time, I’m not doing it by myself

 

I am clinging to God with my entire being

Surrendering control is incredibly freeing

 

I’m holding myself to a standard of grace, instead of perfection

Meditating on Christ’s death and resurrection

 

He died the most excruciating death

Thinking about his precious children with every last breathe

 

“But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins, He was beaten so we could be whole, He was whipped so we could be healed” Hebrews 53:5

He did all this with love, in order for us to be alive

 

I can’t live and be a slave to sin

I am done letting the enemy win

 

The Lord has called me to be his messenger of hope and freedom

In order to do so, I myself have to be a “free-man”

 

I will no longer be ashamed of my weakness

For it is through my weakness, where people will find Jesus.

 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

 

 

 

March 27, 2013 / Freedom over Bondage

 

I will wake up every day prepared to fight,

Because I long to be your shining light.

 

I’m tired of trying to control my life,

It never leaves me satisfied but consumes me with strife.

 

The chains are broken, and I’m ready to run your race,

I won’t stop until I see your beautiful face.

 

There is freedom in your name,

You are the ultimate healer of all my hurt and pain.

 

Because of your unending grace,

I no longer have to hold all these weights.

 

You knew every sin I was going to commit,

Yet, you paid the price for my benefit.

 

My life will bring you glory,

I will tell the world of your unending grace by sharing my life’s story.

 

In you I will find my comfort, love, and identity,

You are my creator and I am your Destiny.

 

Today, I chose to be free.

 

My First Love

Jesus you have my heart

Without you my life would fall apart

I keep my eyes fixed on your face

I need you to help me finish this race

You are all I need

Because of your grace, my future is guaranteed

I need you more

Lord help me overcome this spiritual war

Your presence fills my heart with joy

Something the devil could never destroy

You’ve given my life meaning

I need you to constantly be intervening

The beauty of vulnerability.

Two realists with a black and white plan

That’s where this story began

Thinking we had it all figured out

But God had a different route

The girl thought her instruction manual was smart

But it was really because she was scared to open up and allow anyone into her heart

She built a high wall

In hopes that maybe one day, someone would come around to make it fall

Knowing she needed healing and freedom from her past and the mistakes she’s made.

“Jesus be the center, Before any man can enter

I surrender my life to you, You are the only one I long to pursue.” She prayed

Before entering into a relationship, she knew she needed God to make her whole

Patiently she waited, going through the healing process, allowing God to restore her soul

Having faith that God would stay true to His promise, she kept her standards high

Always thinking she didn’t deserve what she wanted; but God would always reminded her that was merely a lie

When she least expected it, she saw a man that caught her attention

& suddenly the hope of a relationship outweighed her fear of rejection

Captivated by His bold love for God, and gentleness

She was willing to step out and take a risk; but she wasn’t completely fearless

However there was a day,

When her fear had gone away

“Just because things have happened to her in her past,

Doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve the best”

From that moment on, she felt a comfort and a peace

Her black and white plan, she had decided to release

Her heart that was once broken, surrounded with caution tape

Began to come back into shape

She finally began to feel

Realizing He was okay to be a part of this journey of helping her heal

He treats her better than anything she could have imagined or dreamed

That’s the beauty of allowing God to redeem

When she looks at Him, She sees how loved she is by God

Because of his grace, He never saw her as flawed.

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”

God showed her through him, that wasn’t a promise that expires

The two people threw away their black and white plan, because they trusted God

To any third party outside observer, they would think it looks odd

But I am thankful that God’s timing

Far surpasses earthly understanding.

 

 

Relentlessy Pursued

I come before you with a thankful heart,

Your gracious hand upon my life is a beautiful work of art.

From the beginning you loved me so much to take me out of a potentially harmful situation,

You chose me because of your immense love, not out of obligation as if I was a burden.

You relentlessly pursued me even at the depth of my despair,

Every tear I cried you have collected because you care.

I give you all my fears,

I have allowed them to dictate my life for the past twenty years.

I long to be free in every aspect of my life.

I desire to be a healthy, loving, gentle, kind, and tender-hearted wife.

Thank you for reminding me of the promise you made,

Your promises do not waver nor fade.

I give you all of my broken pieces.

I am grateful the areas I am weak, your strength increases.

I see a little girl holding a few puzzle pieces to a massive incomplete puzzle.

She’s sitting there upset, frustrated, and tearful.

You walk up and say “let go,

You can trust me, I will show you where these go.”

As she relinquishes the pieces she was holding on to so tightly

She feels a sense of peace; a relief of anxiety.

He places the pieces in their intended place,

As He looks at her with a smile full of grace.

He wasn’t mad at her for trying to figure it out on her own,

He relentlessly pursued her until she realized she wasn’t alone.

This the God I serve.

The highest praise and honor does He deserve.

Placed on the highest throne.

Yet He seeks after His lost children to bring them home.

 

 

 

 

 

Ephesians 4:31-32

“let go and let God” a common Christian expression,

When embraced has the capability of relieving much anxiety and depression.

We often think we give God our situation,

Yet we continue with the same perception.

Half way releasing, isn’t letting go,

Because you still remain in control.

Relinquishing the circumstance is easy; surrendering the emotion evoked is tough,

Yet God can see right through your bluff.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

Allowing your human emotion take control will leave you heart callused.

Instead Peter says, “ Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

After all, love should be what we aim to pursue.

Authenticity in Community

What if “how are you” wasn’t just a greeting?

We wouldn’t wait to open up to one another until the next prayer meeting?

What if we pulled back the curtains?

& actually started to carry each other’s burdens?

What if we listened more than we spoke?

& stopped using each other as a punch line in a joke?

What if we stopped allowing gossip?

& focused on building each other up?

What if we pursued people like we pursue our call?

We wouldn’t allow one another to withdraw?

What if we died to our pride and learned how to forgive?

& love was our only motive?

What if we saw Life as a privilege?

& spoke positively about our college?

What if we stopped taking pride in being busy?

Instead slowed down and cared about people sincerely?

What if we were actually willing to be real?

& allowed our wounds to heal?

What if we became a community based on transparency?

Then we could really be a family.