“April 8, 2013
Looking in the mirror,
I see my frail exterior.
Why is it so difficult to give up control?
I feel as if I’m stuck in a hole.
There’s nothing more I want than to be free,
Lord I want to be all you created me to be.
I feel like Paul, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”
I keep going backwards, instead of going straight.
I’m crying in fear,
I need to know you are near.
Control is like a field daisy.
On the outside it looks pretty and paisley.
However, they invade fields and decrease plant populations and crop,
if they aren’t taken care of, they continue to grow and won’t stop.
The flower is deceptive.
What looks so beautiful on the outside is actually possessive.
Sin is the same,
it just has a different name.
I won’t influence the world if the way I’m living my life isn’t any different,
pretending I’m not living to influence man is just being ignorant.
Galatians 1:10 says to live for the approval of God.
This is me being real; I’m taking down the façade.
I will find your strength in my weakness,
I need you more than ever, My Savior, My Healer, My Redeemer; Jesus.”
Back to where I started.
What’s different from then to now you may ask?
Yes last time I took off my mask.
However, I only let myself see me
I was trying to set myself free.
Telling God, don’t worry I’ll do better, I’ll try harder
Thinking I was doing God a favor, but I let my shame take control which pushed him farther
I was trying to please God
Instead of crying in desperation admitting my weakness, I hardened my heart and wore a façade
My intentions were pure, but my plan was flawed
I was pursuing freedom, not God.
Control is merely a symptom of my fear of abandonment
Growing up believing I was an accident
Striving for perfection
In fear of rejection
Subconsciously wondering if I’ll ever be good enough?
Masking my insecurity with being tough
Hiding the pain of past afflictions
Lead to multiple addictions
Close relationships, I continuously rejected
Allowing fear to dictate everything I did
Scared to put my full trust in God, I hid.
Admitting these realizations is freeing in and of itself
& this time, I’m not doing it by myself
I am clinging to God with my entire being
Surrendering control is incredibly freeing
I’m holding myself to a standard of grace, instead of perfection
Meditating on Christ’s death and resurrection
He died the most excruciating death
Thinking about his precious children with every last breathe
“But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins, He was beaten so we could be whole, He was whipped so we could be healed” Hebrews 53:5
He did all this with love, in order for us to be alive
I can’t live and be a slave to sin
I am done letting the enemy win
The Lord has called me to be his messenger of hope and freedom
In order to do so, I myself have to be a “free-man”
I will no longer be ashamed of my weakness
For it is through my weakness, where people will find Jesus.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9